Water Park Wedgie
Water parks are great fun for kids, slim people, and fat people. For us neurotic, middle-aged, wild and crazy wannabes, it's pure torture. Two of my boys have a birthday within two weeks of each other. So this year instead of buying expensive toy...
Water parks are great fun for kids, slim people, and fat people. For us neurotic, middle-aged, wild and crazy wannabes, it's pure torture.
Two of my boys have a birthday within two weeks of each other. So this year instead of buying expensive toys that will end up in the next garage sale, my husband and I told them we would take them anywhere that didn't require a hotel stay.
They chose a water park. Unfortunately, this is probably the only time in their short lives they've ever agreed on anything. In light of that fact, we didn't have much room for negotiation. The water park, it was.
Well, it could be fun, we thought. We hadn't been to a water park in a long time. No sooner did we arrive when we remembered why we hadn't been to a water park in a long time.
Kids like water parks because they can get as wet as they want and nobody will tell them to "Get in this house, this instant!" They won't be stripped of their wet clothes and dumped into a warm bubble bath while their friends get to hone their dubious skill of swimming in mud puddles. Water is water, isn't it? What difference does it make what temperature the water is or whether it has bubbles in it?
Kids don't understand that it's the amount of dirt in the water that makes the difference. Although, after their nice warm bubble bath, the water in the tub looks as dirty as the mud puddle. What's a mom to do?
Besides, where else can they go where they can get a giant volcano full of water dumped on them? The water park rocks!
Slim people like water parks because they look great in their bathing suits and like to show them off. Those of us whose bodies look like 20 miles of bad road would not be so embarrassed with the way our bathing suit fits if we didn't have to be reminded of what a great body looked like in one.
I know my husband was feeling the same way I did. Every time a "babe" walked by he'd suck in his gut (as if she would notice) and let it out again when she passed. I watched his stomach go in and out as we sat by the wave-pool and it looked like someone was playing the Beer Barrel Polka on a bagpipe. He had cramps all the way home.
The reason fat people like water parks is because, unless they are a new at being fat, they are usually very comfortable with their bodies. They like to have fun and don't care who's watching. If they don't fit in the inner tube, they sit on top; and they can build up some wicked speeds on those downhill slides.
People like me who are neither comfortably tubby nor in prime runway-strutting condition, are always neurotic about how we look and whether we're going to make a fool of ourselves in the water. How shallow. (No pun intended.)
The waterslides were a particular challenge for us. When I came to a not-so-graceful landing at the bottom of one, water would blast into my sinus cavity. I can't be blamed for forgetting to hold my nose, however, because the "speed bumps" distracted me.
My butt is so flabby that whenever I went over those "speed bumps" inside the slide, I had to look back to see if I'd left any of my behind.... behind (no pun intended...well, OK, maybe it was).
My husband had a different problem. Because of the difference in male swimsuits versus female swimsuits, every water slide he slid down qualified him for Ripley's Believe It Or Not in the category for World's Deepest Wedgie.
Hopefully, next year we can talk our children into a couple of rousing rounds of miniature golf.
You can reach Laura at firstname.lastname@example.org , or visit her Web site www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and information about her new book.