Sick Again

The beginning of the school year marks the beginning of the cold season. I don't mean that the temperature is descending either. I mean that every blasted person in the house is sick. Including me.

I've never learned how to beat the system. I've told the powers-that-be that I really would rather not participate in this time-honored traditional, but the powers-that-be are apparently deaf.

So, I schlep my watery-eyed self to the pharmacy to see what new miracle drug I can happen upon that will clear up my symptoms immediately. There are homeopathic therapies out there that say they will cure the underlying causes of the cold, not the symptoms. I don't know about you, but it's the symptoms that I'm having a problem with. I really wouldn't mind "technically" having a cold, if I didn't have to deal with the symptoms. Amazingly, no one has come up with a magic pill that will end all colds at the first sign of a sore throat.

Let's see. What else does the miracle of science have to offer? Well, there's the snuffling- sneezing- stuffy head-fever-so-you-can-sleep medicine. I'm not snuffling, though, so maybe I shouldn't use something with stuff in it that I don't need.

As I wipe my nose with my sleeve, I make a mental note to pick up a truckload of Kleenex while I'm there. Well, maybe I am snuffling. Or I would be, if I didn't have a sleeve. But I'm probably a day or two away from a fever, though, and I don't want to sleep, so...no.

How about this one? It's a pill so I don't have to slurp down some awful tasting stuff when I already feel this close to puking. It's a timed release tablet. What if I need it all right now? I don't want to have to wait for the full strength of this product to kick in. I want a tsunami of wellness to hit my system all at once.

This one is a liqui-tab for those of us who, in our physical state of numbness, cannot decide on a liquid or a tablet. I'm not that bad yet. I'll pass on that one.

Nasal spray, that's the ticket! A blast of cold stuff traveling right up my nose, one inch from my sleep-deprived brain. That's what I need...I don't think so.

There is some vitamin C. My mom says that vitamin C keeps you from getting a cold. As I cough up a lung, I think, "Well, this is a heck of a time to remember that!"

Some people swear by those zinc tablets, so I head in that direction. On second thought, I tried those zinc lozenges once. The inside of my mouth dried up like Death Valley in a drought and I've never tried another one since. The secret to them is to eat one every four hours until your cold is gone, so maybe the idea is to dehydrate your germs until they die of thirst. But I thought I might be the first to go, seeing as how the first zinc tablet I tried didn't seem to bother my germs one iota.

Then I spotted a version of zinc that you put in your nose with a Q-tip. I thought, "Now that could work!" My nose was so runny that drying it up could only be a good thing.

I bought a package and brought it home. When I finally disengaged the Q-tip from the packaging, I realized that what they wanted me to put in my nose looked exactly like what was coming out of my nose. From that point on, the only question I had was "Whose snot is on this Q-tip?"

I decided that maybe having a cold wasn't so bad. At least I'm not the poor guy they recruited to blow his nose into those little Q-tip containers.

You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com , or visit her Web site www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and information about her new book.