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Laura on Life... Fashion blind...

I was blessed with many wonderful things in my life, not the least of which is my family. One thing that I am sadly lacking in, however, is fashion sense. I am reminded of this lack each time I go to a mall and realize that any outfit that is dis...

I was blessed with many wonderful things in my life, not the least of which is my family. One thing that I am sadly lacking in, however, is fashion sense. I am reminded of this lack each time I go to a mall and realize that any outfit that is displayed on those creepy mannequins is not one that I would find myself wearing, unless I did it accidentally.

I am assuming that those outfits portray the current trends, but most of them do not answer the one question I use to determine whether I should wear one of them: "How do I keep the 'girls' from falling out of that?" A simple misstep while bending over to pick up a two-liter of soda that fell off my grocery cart could be a disaster!

Therefore, I must assume that the women who wear the current trends never pick up anything or they are not as heavily endowed in the north as I am. Too much freedom for my northerly assets is likely to result in them straying from the fold, so to speak.

OK, then... getting back to the point: I wouldn't know fashion if it slapped me in the face with her perfectly manicured hand.

My 10-year-old daughter probably has more fashion sense than I do. Unfortunately, I don't really know if she does or not. When she appears before me every morning wearing her latest clothing concoction, I don't know whether to applaud her unorthodox style, or send her back to her room to try again.

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In my mind, if it's uncomfortable, it's probably fashionable, so that's how I judge.

"Isn't that uncomfortable, honey?"

"No... it's not."

"Well then, you'd better go change."

It's not so much of a problem with the boys in my family. After all, they wear mostly jeans and a T-shirt with some smart aleck comment on it. Although, I have come to the realization that the amount of jean material touching the floor and the subsequent lack of jean material covering their behind is, in fact, a fashion issue.

They pull the jeans down, we pull them up. Down. Up. Down. Up. It's like constantly adjusting a set of mini-blinds.

Other than that, fashion for boys is not as difficult a terrain to traverse as girls' fashion. Thank goodness for that, because three of my boys are color blind.

There are times, however, when they use this handicap as a convenient excuse for a fashion faux pas. Years ago, one of them wore a plaid bathing suit with a striped t-shirt. This look has probably been in fashion at some point in history - in fact it may be "in" now and I wouldn't know it - but at the time, it hurt my eyes.

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So I told him that stripes don't go with plaid. He retorted indignantly, "Well, how was I supposed to know that, I'm color blind!" Apparently, he was also temporarily pattern blind.

Of course, I know there are fashion rules that concern the popularity of a certain name displayed on an article of clothing and the sticker price of a pair of sneakers.

However, these are rules that I blatantly ignore... on purpose; which is why the fashion police have a warrant out for my arrest. They want to give me a frontal lobotomy, dress me in Vera Wang, and install me in a Macy's display window. That should answer your questions as to whether those creepy store mannequins are real... or not.

You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com or visit her Web site www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and information about her books.

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