Laura of Life... Brad Pitt and arm pits

By Laura Snyder

I was drifting along on an ethereal cloud of pastel colors. Then he was there - George Clooney...or maybe it was Brad Pitt. He told me that I was beautiful. He invited his friend Pierce Brosnan to our cloud. Pierce - he told me to call him that - said my eyes shone like stars in the in the sky. He lifted his hand to touch my face and...WHAM!...punched me in the gut!?

"Mommy, I had a bad dream!"

Groan..."OK, but did you have to launch yourself onto my stomach just as Pierce was about to...oh never mind!"

My husband laid beside me snoring away, breath smelling like peat moss and his hairy armpit just inches from my face. I wondered if George Clooney has that much hair there.

I moved to the very edge of the bed to make room for my pajama-clad little girl. Her eyes were still wide with terror and I could tell that her dreams were nothing like mine.

She squirmed to try to get under the blankets and judging by the high-pitched groan from the other side of the bed, she somehow managed to kick my husband in the groin.

"Sorry, daddy. Are you OK?"

He curled up like an armadillo. In a soprano sing-song voice, he whimpered "I'm OK," and painfully rolled to his other side.

Well, she did manage to not only give us more room, but also turned the armpit view into something more palatable and the peat moss factory was out-putting in a different direction now. He'll get over it, I thought.

Now where was I? Wasn't Brad Pitt about to make his move?

"...about a giant. He was a million inches tall! He was trying to eat me!"

Sigh...Brad will have to wait.

"Are you sure he wasn't trying to make friends with you?" I tried.

"No, he invited his friends to come to dinner too!" she said tearfully.

"Hmmm, were any of them blond and blue-eyed?"

"Maybe one was."

"Did any of them speak with an English accent?"

"What's an accent?"

"Never mind. Were they handsome?"

"Mommy! They were giants! Not boys!"

"OK, I'm just thinking here. Who's your favorite TV star?"

"Scooby Doo."

"No, no. He has to be human."

"Jimmy Neutron."

"Okay, maybe,"... yawn... "when Jimmy Neutron grows up he'll look like a giant, and he'll want to be your friend."

"Maybe..." she said sleepily.

"He'll tell you that you're pretty and smart and that your eyes shine like stars in the sky..." Yawn... "He'll bring you flowers, he won't complain when you spend lots of money at the mall, and" ...yawn..." his armpits won't have a lick of hair..." zzzzzzzzz

Then there was nothing but the sweet sound of silence and the smell of peat moss.

You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com or visit her Web site www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and information about her new book.